


Forever('s Not Our Thing)

by swingtwigs (featherytongue)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, M/M, Oops, Post-Break Up, im sorry for the angst aslkdasdj, me: i love lumark! theyre my otp! also me: writes abt lumark breaking up, shoutout to twoset violin for teaching me more abt classical music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29153139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/featherytongue/pseuds/swingtwigs
Summary: I'm telling you now why we broke up, Lucas. I'm writing it in this letter, the whole truth of why it happened.And the truth is that Ilovedloveloved you so fucking much.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20
Collections: In Another Life





	Forever('s Not Our Thing)

**Author's Note:**

> to the prompter:  
> i had fun writing this fic!  
> daniel handler is one of my favourite authors and when i saw this prompt, i knew i just had to write it.  
> thank you for prompting this and i hope you enjoy this fic! ♡
> 
> to my mods:  
> thank you so much for holding this fic fest! you guys have been so wonderful ♡

Dear Lucas,

With the arrival of this box, you'll hear a thunk, or maybe you won't. I hope you don't, I don't think I can handle seeing you right now. You're probably a mess, heartbroken and all. Plus, I'm pretty sure by the time Jaehyun's car pulls up in front of your apartment complex, you would have just gotten back from campus, from your team practice and you'd be in your shorts, all sweaty and hopefully crying too, and alone. Not bothering to shower, even though Kun has probably told you again and again to shower, but you refuse to, just as you always do. While you're crying, it's Kun who'll probably end up opening the door, responding to the thunk that's meant for you. He would probably sigh, worrying about whether or not he should go to the door immediately, he has a deadline to catch, or try to get you to see what's all the thunking is about. Kun would decide against asking you to get the door, but only after asking you twice. So it'll be Kun who opens the door, while you brood away in your room, unaware of the thunk.

It feels like it's the right day to do this. It's an overcast day today and as I am writing this, it looks like it's going to rain. Perhaps the universe knows what I'm about to do, what I'm about to relive. It's December now, and the sky is gloomy, very unlike the days we spent together from 12th March to 27th November. Right now you're probably wondering why I'm writing this letter. So I'm telling you now why we broke up, Lucas. I'm writing it in this letter, the whole truth of why it happened.

And the truth is that I ~~loved~~ ~~love~~ loved you so fucking much.

* * *

The thunk is the box, Lucas.

It's my parting gift for you.

I found it in my closet and decided that all of our things were too much for, well, me. I don't think I can bear to look at the remnants of our relationship any longer, and Jaehyun's been telling me to get rid of all the things I've held onto. So I guess it's finally time to let go. It's been under my bed long enough.

God, I wish you weren't in your room and it won't be Kun who hears the thunk and opens the door, because this box is our relationship, Lucas. I'm dumping it, a box containing every item of you and me, back into your life, just like how I'm dumping you, Lucas.

The thunk is gonna be so satisfying, I'll admit. It'll be like practising hours on end for a solo, and it's finally the day you get to perform and you're taking the final breath for the final phrase in your solo and the note, a _fermata_ played with a crescendo that ends with _fortissimo_ , rings clear in the symphony hall. And you know you've done well enough to warrant a standing ovation, and there's the satisfaction at the end of it when you _do_ get a standing ovation. The spotlight blinds you and the clapping deafens you, but you accept it with open arms because you _know_ you deserve it, and you get this adrenaline rushing through your veins as you take your final bow. _It's over_ , you think, _it's finally over_.

I know you can't imagine it, not you, Lucas, but I figured maybe if I tell you what it feels like in my own terms, then maybe you'll understand it this time because even now I want you to understand it. I've always wanted you to understand because I loved you, I wanted you to hear what I hear. I think I've told you a few times, but I want to be a flautist, but, Lucas, you could never hear the music in my head and that is why we broke up.

* * *

I wrote something on the lid of this box from Berio, an Italian composer.

" _Things don't get better or worse: they evolve and transform themselves._ "

He, of course, was talking about music, but I personally think it can apply to many other things, in this case: our relationship. Our time together evolved and transformed itself into something I regret. The lid is my desk, at the moment as I'm writing this letter to you, the lidless box near my feet, its contents rattling as Jaehyun's car meets a bumper so sometimes the words are shaky, I would apologise, but I won't. Not anymore.

I sat down in front of Jaehyun this morning, as he was pouring cereal into his bowl when I said, "Guess what?" he put down the box of cereal and said, "You're going to need me to drive you somewhere, don't you?"

"You're good at guessing," I said.

"I've known you my whole life, of course, I would be good at guessing the things you say, Mark Lee."

I chuckled as I stole his breakfast. "Will you do it?"

"Yeah, I will. As long as you don't steal my next bowl of cereal. Seriously dude, get your own."

"Don't you wanna know where you're driving me?"

"You'll probably be giving me directions later so it doesn't really matter, does it?"

"But I want to tell you now."

Jaehyun shrugs.

"Okay, well. I'm giving Lucas back his stuff." I said after a big spoonful of cereal. Jaehyun almost choked on his cereal.

"Finally."

"Yeah. I think it's time."

"Is it? Are you sure you're ready?"

" _If we wait till we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives._ "

"Are you sad about it?"

"No."

" _Mark_."

"Okay, maybe a little."

"Okay, just let me finish my breakfast and get dressed."

"Thanks, Jaehyun. Ugh, you know what? You really don't have to, I'll just take the bus or something-"

"It's fine, Mark. And of course I have to."

"Why?"

Jaehyun sighs and I think about the quote on the lid. I'll miss seeing it every time I find myself on the floor of my bedroom, reminiscing about our relationship, drunk and alone; but I will not, Lucas, miss you. "Because, Mark," Jaehyun said, "I want to."

Jaehyun's a good friend. His presence has been like the ticking of a metronome; constant and stable, _reliable_ especially in times of uncertainty.

It was because of Jaehyun that we met. He had dragged me to this party insisting that I should get more friends because it was getting kinda sad how long he's been stuck babysitting me. I agreed because I know Jaehyun meant well, he always does. It's just the kind of person he is. Someone who always means well. Before the party, we went for coffee, both of us unaware of what the night might bring, just like an unsuspecting member of the audience during the second movement of Hadyn's Symphony No. 94, lulled into believing the nothing will happen but then they find out why exactly it's called the Surprise Symphony. I know why it's called the Surprise Symphony, and if I were to attend a performance of it, I wouldn't be surprised, not the way you would. I would count the beats and hum the notes, eyeing the audience for anyone who has their guard down, enjoying the soft notes, giggling when the surprise hits them. But with you, I felt like I was the clueless audience member and you were too, and that, Lucas, is why we broke up.

* * *

One of the first things I put in the box is something you probably wouldn't remember. It's the ping pong ball from a beer pong game I played during the party. The party was alright, I don't remember much of it. I do remember when you first arrived, you had Hendery and Dejun with you. You went around the room, greeting a lot of people, and all I could think of was "Wow, how does this guy know so many people?" and I guess I must've said it out loud because it made Jaehyun laugh.

"I don't think he really _knows_ everyone, Mark," Jaehyun said, and I turned to him and raised my brows.

"He's just that guy, you know? Friendly, _approachable_." He explained. I hummed in response and continued to watch you goof around with Hendery and Dejun. You had a crowd huddled around you, you were sitting on the couch, your presence demanding the attention of the whole room as you tell everyone a story about Hendery, I think, who couldn't finish a bottle of cola and he decided it was a good idea to put it in a water dispenser and the whole dorm had to drink watered down cola for a week. You told me that story on the phone that one time. I thought it was funny. I still think it's funny. I think ~~one of the things~~ the only thing ~~s~~ I'll miss about our relationship is Hendery and Dejun. Tell them I said hi.

I'll admit, I was jealous at how easy it was for you to be the centre of attention. I don't think I could handle so many people hanging onto every word I say. I'm sure that sounds ridiculous to you, especially when you think about how I want to be a soloist, but with music it's different. You don't have to make people understand, they just do, but in their own way. A piece can be interpreted in many different ways. Words? Not so much.

The party goes on and at some point, Jaehyun asked me if I wanted to join him in a game of beer pong. I said yes. It was a 2-on-2 match, I think I was playing against Ten and Sicheng. If you don't remember the night we met, I think you can guess that I wasn't very good at beer pong. I kept missing the cups. It was my third try when I missed the cup and one of the balls bounced off the table, landing neatly on top of your head. I gasped when I realised whose head it was. Hendery and Dejun laughed at your reaction, your eyes were wide and surprise was written clearly on your face. And then you laughed too. This might sound clichéd, but at this point, I understood the first few lines of Saint-Saëns' aria from his opera, _Samson et Dalila_.

_Mon cœur s'ouvre à ta voix comme s'ouvrent les fleurs aux baisers de l'aurore!_

Pardon my French, but I think that means 'my heart opens to your voice like the flowers open to the kisses of the dawn!'.

And when you turned around, big smile and crinkled eyes, my heart skipped a beat, like a broken metronome. You were sitting on a beanbag, and there was a lamp behind you, but I swear it looked like you had a halo around you. It wasn't the first time I've seen you, not even the first time I saw you at the party, but somehow this time it felt different. Perhaps it was because the smile was for _me_ and no one else, or perhaps it was because your attention was focused on me for the first time that night, but it made me feel like my stomach was playing trills, notes fluttering everywhere.

The ball fell to your lap after you turned around and that made you laugh again. You held it in your hand. It looked so small in your palm. I thought you were just going to throw it back to me. It would've made sense, you were on the basketball team, you were good at passes, better at aiming than I obviously was. But you didn't.

Instead of doing the easy thing, you stood up and walked over to me. The trills suddenly get more intense, like the tempo has suddenly changed. It's abrupt because you were someone new, you were the new conductor, and the orchestra still hasn't gotten used to your cues yet, after all this was your first time conducting. I wasn't sure what your smile meant, not sure how this was supposed to play out.

"I believe this is yours," you said, holding the ball out in your palm. I could feel the blush spread on my cheeks, and I prayed that you couldn't see it in the dim lighting.

"Uh, yeah. It is, well it's n-not exactly _mine_ , but I was the reason why it, uh, landed on your head." I said as I tried reaching out for the ball, but you pulled away, covering the ball with your fingers, "S-sorry about that."

You smiled again, this time there was something mischievous about it.

"What if I don't accept your apology?" you said.

 _Oh God, I fucked up, I knew I shouldn't have agreed to play beer pong with Jaehyun_ I thought to myself.

"W-well, is there, uh, anything I can do to make you accept my apology?"

"Maybe if you let me take you out to the movies or something, maybe then I'd accept your apology."

I blinked.

Once.

Twice.

_Huh? Is Lucas Wong asking me out on a date?_

"Earth to- _oh_! I don't even know your name." you said, scratching the back of your head, "I'm Lucas Wong!"

I let out a guffaw, like _you_ of all people at the party needed to introduce yourself. You were Lucas Wong, there was no one on campus who didn't know you.

"Mark Lee." was all I could think of saying at the time.

"Okay then. Mark Lee, would you let me take you out to the movies sometime?" you asked. This time I could see that there was uncertainty in your eyes, like you weren't sure if I would say yes, like you were afraid of getting rejected. I don’t believe that there’s someone who would dare to reject you, Lucas. I would be a madman if I had said no to you.

"If I say yes, you'll forgive me?"

You laughed, and the trills I felt got even faster.

"Why don't you say yes and find out?"

"Okay."

You smiled again, and you dropped the ball in my hand. If it wasn't obvious, I kept the ball. No one was going to look for one ping pong ball, it's insignificant, you can just get new ones for the next time you throw a party. But this ping pong ball was special. It ~~means~~ meant something to me. When I was playing beer pong, the ball felt pretty much weightless, but when you gave it back to me, somehow it felt heavier. After all, it held the memory of that night.

But now as I'm holding the ball in my hand as I write this letter to you, it feels weightless again. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

We exchanged phone numbers, you even took a selfie to save as your contact photo. I thought it was charming. I mean I already knew you were charming, after all, you were the campus heartthrob. Anyone who knew you was already charmed, myself included, but experiencing the charm itself was different. It's like humming the melody of a song and then playing the song on your instrument. They're the same, but it's different.

You tried to teach me how to aim properly, talking about how I should relax a little. But how was I supposed to relax, when _you_ were giving me all your attention, your eyes fixed on me. It felt even more nerve-racking than any audition I've had to go through. After a few tries, it was clear to you that it would take a longer time for me to get better at aiming.

"Ah well, at least you're adorable, Mark Lee," you said and it made me blush. Lucas Wong thought _I_ was cute. I remember Jaehyun laughing at how red my face was. You laughed too. I don't remember the rest of the night, or where you headed off after that but throughout the whole night, I felt the weight of the ball in my pocket.

On the drive back to our place, Jaehyun gave me a knowing look.

"Lucas Wong, huh?" he wiggled his eyebrows, nudging me with his elbow.

"He's probably just messing around! He probably won't even call me!"

Jaehyun chuckled. "But you want him to, right?"

I had felt the blush creeping up on my cheeks again. "Maybe? I don't know, I don't want to get my hopes up. Lucas is _way_ out of my league."

Jaehyun hummed in response.

I took the ball out of my pocket, moving it between my fingers, thinking about the things you said, the timbre of your laughter.

And right now I’m doing the same thing and the ball no longer holds the same weight.

* * *

I remember the text you sent me that night. It was the very first text you sent me.

_let me know when ur free so i can take u out on a nice date mark lee :)_

I also remember lying in bed as the text arrived. I was so surprised that I dropped my phone on my face which resulted in my very eloquent reply

_5kh_

I was so embarrassed that I started screaming. Jaehyun even rushed to my room to check up on me. He laughed so hard, he fell to the ground. I know the message wasn’t anything embarrassing but it was just the thought that you were thinking about me, about going on a date with me so soon was absurd. I mean you’re _you_ , and I’m just some band nerd with bad aim.

_Oh my god, sorry my phone fell and accidentally sent that, but im free this friday!_

The thought that you were only texting me because you think it would be fun to mess around with someone like me crossed my mind. I lay in bed, burrito’d up in my duvet, waiting for your reply. The thought just kept growing, kinda like a balloon, it kept getting bigger and bigger, occupying the depths of my mind, but the balloon popped, exploding into flower petals instead, when your reply arrived:

_sure :) lets meet at the cinema near campus after i finish basketball practice, that sound good to u?_

_Sounds great!_

_:)_

After your last message, the only thoughts that occupied my mind was the fact that I had a date with you on Friday and oh my God, any doubts of your intention vanished, like it never even crossed my mind.

* * *

One of the things you’ll see is a small strip of paper. There’s nothing written on it. It’s just a plain strip of paper. You might be confused by it. The ink has faded, it’s been pinned on my board for a long time now, exposed to the sunlight. I think you’ve seen it, you’ve held it in your hands when you visited me. But by then, the ink had already faded and to you, it was just a blank piece of paper. It made me laugh, because you didn’t remember what it was, what it meant to me, to us. I guess our first date wasn’t that big a deal to you. Perhaps that should’ve been a foreshadowing for me, the _D. S. al Coda_ in our relationship. It was a sign that the piece was coming to an end soon. But I still enjoyed the piece, I think it’ll stick with me for a long time.

But just in case you haven’t figured out what this piece of paper is, it’s the ticket stub from our first date. It feels like such a long time ago, can you believe it? Time feels so strange when you're not fully aware of how fast it's going. I know they say time is relative. Actually, you were the one who taught me that, that's one of the few Physics knowledge you've told me that stuck in my mind.

Time is relative to the speed of the observer, I think, was what you said. But I think, in a non-Physics point of view, time is relative to the feelings you felt. During our first date, I remember feeling nervous and so jittery, I knew you could tell. I don't know when I decided that I had the hugest crush on you, it's not like I was aware of my feelings for you prior to the party at Mingyu's place. Perhaps the heart doesn't know what it wants until it knows it's allowed to want it. But because of the nerves, it felt like we moved at the speed of light during the date. It _wooshed_ so fast for me that I can barely remember the movie we watched, I think it was Captain Marvel, but I just couldn't focus, because I was trying to process the fact that I was on a date with Lucas Wong.

Actually, even during the movie, I could not believe that you actually showed up. I got to the cinema early, earlier than you at least, and I felt silly standing there, waiting on my own. I didn't know what we were going to watch, so I just dawdled in the lobby for a while, constantly checking my watch, unconsciously counting down the seconds until 5.00 pm, the time we agreed to meet.

 _Tick, tock, tick tock_.

The second hand just kept going and you were still nowhere to be found.

 _A minute passed by_.

I began to convince myself that you weren't going to show up, and that all the flirting you had done at the party was simply just a joke you played on me.

With each minute that passes with you nowhere to be found, my heart just sank deeper. This is worse than all the rest bars in a piece where you just have to keep counting down all the beats to keep track of where everyone is. _One, two, three four, two, two three, four, three, two, three, four_... but in this piece, the notes never came, my cue to start playing never appeared.

But surprisingly, you appeared, and it felt like missing the first note because you miscounted all the beats in a rest bar. It came as a shock, but it never fails to make me laugh. It was unbelievable seeing you walk up to me, in your plain white t-shirt and jeans, apologies already spilling out of your mouth.

"Sorry! I lost track of time, I had practice earlier and the coach kept us longer than he usually does and I felt so bad that I was going to be late that I forgot to text you in advance," you said

I laughed in response to that and it kinda caught you off guard, I suppose.

"Is that an _I'm so mad, I don't know how else to respond except to laugh_ laugh or is it a different kind of laugh, Mark Lee?" you asked, eyes giving away the nerves you must've felt. I think when people picture you, they would always think of the ever so confident you, megawatt smile, and eyes full of energy. But when I think of you, I always picture this Lucas, the one that's not too sure of themselves. It helps me remember that you're not some kind of god everyone seems to think that you are. It comforted me that you felt nervous too, especially when people have painted you to be some kind of perfect deity that never experiences something negative.

I like knowing that you were, in fact, human, just like me.

I also liked that you felt okay enough to not have your Mr Popular and Perfect persona when you were with me.

So when you asked me that, it just made me laugh even more.

"Mark, I'm so sorry, I didn't want to be late. Ugh, I can't believe I fucked this up, with _you_ no less," you started mumbling and that caught _me_ off guard.

"With me, no less? What do you mean?"

You immediately stopped your mumbling.

"I may or may not have had a crush on you for a while now. I've just never got the chance to talk to you until the party the other night."

My jaw had fallen to the ground, you had a crush on me?

"Y-you're kidding me, right?"

"I have no reason to be kidding you right now."

"But you said you didn't know my name the other night?"

"Y-yeah, I didn't, because my mind kinda, uh, blanked out for a bit, because, um, you were being too cute."

I don't know how it's possible, but my jaw dropped even further, burrowing into the ground.

I guess the shock on my face was amusing for you to see as it made you laugh. The ringing of your laughter made me snap my jaw shut.

"It looks like I didn't screw up then, judging from your reaction." and the smug you returned.

As comforting as it was to have seen the person you hide behind the façade of confidence, I still liked seeing the confident Lucas, and I know I needed him to be there as well because I didn't think the two of us being nervous would make a great first date.

So we walked to the counter to buy our tickets. I can barely remember what movies were showing then, but I think there were a few action flicks. Again, I don't remember the movie we agreed on, I tried looking at the ticket stub, trying to see if I could make out the words that were printed on it, but if there were, I couldn't see it. Maybe you remember it, but I doubt it. After all, this relationship meant more to me than it did to you.

But I am not talking about that right now. I don't want the rest of this letter to be illegible.

You suggested we share a bucket of popcorn as we passed the concession stand. Without waiting for me to agree, you grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the stand to queue together.

You looked up at the menu, the selection of snacks offered shone in bright colours.

"Got anything you want?" you asked, mulling over the choices you had to make in the next five minutes as the number of people in front of us was dwindling.

"Maybe just popcorn and a sprite for me, I think."

"Cool, I think I'll get something else as well, I usually eat after practice and I didn't get to because I wanted to get here as fast as I could."

It wasn't a big deal what you said, but it made me blush anyway. Just thinking about how you rushed to get to our date on time made my heart play trills.

When we got to the front of the line, you ordered and paid for it even before I could think of getting my card out. I'm still mad about that to this day. Sure, it wasn't a large amount of money, but the fact that you didn't even think to ask me first kinda bugged me out. I don't like my decisions being made for me. It felt unfair.

"Hey, I'll pay you back after the movie." I said as I reached out to grab the bucket of popcorn and my drink from the cashier.

"No need." was your reply.

"But I want to..." I said with a pout, and it made you laugh.

"How about you pay on our next dates instead?" and that effectively wiped the pout off my face. I felt my cheeks flare up as I thought about how you wanted another date after our first.

"I'll take that as a yes, now come on, Mark. I don't want to miss the previews, that's always the best part of the whole movie-going experience, don't you think?" you tried to grab my wrist again, but it proved to be a challenge when you were trying to hold onto your hot dog and drink. You decided to trap my wrist between both your occupied hands and I thought it was cute how determined you were to hold my hand.

Throughout the whole movie, we kept reaching out for the popcorn at the same time, so our fingers would brush against each other and I was glad that the theatre was dark, so that you wouldn't see the blush adorning my cheeks, but I never missed how you would purposely reach out for the popcorn immediately after I start reaching out for it. To this day, I wonder if that was something you did on purpose. If you wanted to hold my hand, Lucas, you could have just said so. I would malfunction for a bit, but I would still say yes. It was you, after all. How could I ever say no to you, Lucas?

The movie was alright, I think. But the fact that we watched it together was what made it a good movie.

You were buzzing about the movie after it ended, that much I remember. I think it was something that you've waited for a while to see. So it was endearing to see you so excited about it, it was cute to see you talk about how good the actors were and how the romance in it didn't feel as forced as this other couple's romance in another movie I have yet to watch. You kept talking about how the twist at the end shocked you and that you didn't see that one coming _at all_. All I could was nod at what you were saying. I didn't have any strong opinions on the movie or it's plot. Or maybe I did but I just wanted you to keep going because I liked how expressive you were when you talk about something you enjoyed.

After you got it out of your system, you turned to me and asked "Do you want to get dinner together?"

"Didn't you just have a meal during the movie?" I asked instead of answering your question. You laughed and scratched the back of your head. It gave me a nice look at your toned arms, not that I was staring at them or anything.

"I did! But I'm still feeling hungry, still. Oh! Which reminds me, I should get something for my housemate."

"Oh, I didn't know you lived with someone."

You nodded, enthusiastically.

"I live with Kun-ge! We were neighbours growing up and he's really like a big brother to me now. He always takes care of me so I try to repay his kindness and generosity when I can. You should meet him sometime, I'm sure he'd like you." you said.

I liked that about you, Lucas. You always say things like you know they were going to happen, like you can't imagine it going any other way but good. You were always so sure of things, but I guess that's just another facet of your confidence. I wish I felt the same way about most things, but my brain goes full speed to assume that bad things will happen, that our relationship will just be some sort of fling for you. And it turns out I was right. It was just a fling for you.

But with you, and the way you had said things, it felt like we were gonna last, like we were going to make it through to the end. Looking back at our time together, I think we could have. You were reassuring, and you made me feel like there was nothing in the world that I couldn't do. It was nice feeling like things were going my way.

But at the time, I couldn't say how it made me feel, so instead I just smiled, my heart warm at the idea of you wanting to introduce me to the people who are important to you. It gave me a little hope that maybe you thought I was going to be important to you.

"So what are you in the mood for, Lucas?" was the only thing I could think of saying, and it made you smile.

"I'm in the mood for some love." you said, nudging me a little. I laughed at how cheesy you were being, cheeks burning from how embarrassed I was feeling from hearing you say that.

"I meant for dinner."

"Oh." was what you said before erupting in a fit of laughter.

"Well?" I asked again, when you've calmed a little.

"I think I'm okay with just McDonald's." you said, wrapping your fingers around my wrist again, making me blush again. The way you were so comfortable with holding hands came often as a shock to me, I never see it coming like a sudden key signature change in the middle of a piece. Thankfully, I'm quick on my feet so I never freeze up, in fear of making you feel like you've overstepped a boundary because I quite like the fact that you were comfortable enough to initiate skinship. It's not something I would initiate on my own, I'll be honest.

The feeling of your fingers wrapped around my wrist was something I could get used to, in fact I was already getting used to it, even though this was just our first date. It felt so silly to be feeling that way already.

But I really savoured the warmth of your fingers as you tugged me away to McD's.

You had ordered a Big Mac and we talked about the movie some more, but haha, honestly it was just you doing most of the talking, I added a few comments here and there. I liked talking to you like that, I didn't have to worry about having to fill up the empty spaces with more words. Thank you for always doing that, I know that silence isn't always a good thing to have, especially not during the first date, so I was grateful that you were the one who kept chattering away. I also appreciated how you gave me space to fill in the gaps as well, I think it really showed how much you cared about me.

It felt unfair to me that you got me feeling so intense and attached to you almost immediately, you were cheating. I was being careful, counting all the beats, looking at the conductor for the cues they would give, but you, Lucas, you only stared at me, you only waited for me to respond to the cue. That's cheating and unfair. And that's why we broke up, Lucas.

* * *

After writing this much, I've realised that there's no way that you would open the box and take time to look at the things in the order I listed them. But oh well, perhaps this is my chance of reliving our relationship. It's nice to be able to look back on it and think about the feelings I felt, and compare to how I'm feeling right now after we've broken up. Maybe this way, I can pick apart our relationship to see anything I should've seen that I ignored because I wanted to believe that you wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with you. This is a way for me to look back and think about the things that led us to breaking up.

But whatever, I'm still gonna write this letter the way I want to. The next memorabilia is yet another strip of paper. I feel like this whole box is just meaningless pieces of paper. It must look so stupid to you. You must think it's silly that I kept all this shit when none of it probably means anything to you, Lucas. Jesus, I feel so dumb that I kept all this, I'm so glad I'm to be ridding of all these memories of you that I held so close to my heart. But right now, I'll just tell you what this strip of paper is, it will all make sense in a bit.

After we finished our food, you asked me if I wanted to do anything else. I worried that you wanted to end the date early. It was only 8 pm and I had no other plans to do anything else, so in a moment of panic, I asked if you wanted to go window shopping with me, just looking around the mall for anything. We passed a clothing store, and you asked me to take a look with you. You picked up clothes from the rack, placing them over your body, asking me if any of them would look good on you. The thought of that made me scoff, as if anything would even dare to look terrible on you. Since that day, I've seen you more than I could count and each time I see you, it's as if you've gotten more and more good looking, your fashion choice also helped you look even better. Even on your worst days, when you overslept from practicing too hard and you made questionable fashion choices, you manage to make even a fashion disaster look good. So I can definitely confirm that you look good in anything. It made me so jealous.

We headed over to a drugstore and I remembered that I needed to buy my cleanser and a few other things. You asked me questions about how I take care of my skin, you said my skin looked so good, but honestly, I could never see what you say. Every time I look in the mirror, I just see plain old me, big pores and an ever present zit on my forehead. It was nice to know that someone saw beauty despite the flaws I had. So thank you, Lucas, for all the kind words you've given me throughout the whole relationship. You helped me try to see the good in me, and I'm always thankful for that.

After the drugstore, we passed by a Bath & Body Works store and the lady at the front of the store who was always handing out free samples saw you and insisted that you go inside the store and take a look.

"Mark Lee, do you have anything to look at in here?"

I shook my head. And I swear I saw the lady glare at me, perhaps she was trying to lure you into the store so that she would get more chances to flirt with you. It made me smile that you were trying to rebuff her advances, by asking me if I wanted to check out the store. When it was clear that you had no business in the store, the persistent lady gave you one of those paper strips where they spray a perfume onto it so that you could smell it before you could decide to buy it. I wanted one as well, but the lady straight up ignored me.

As we were walking away from the store, you held up the piece of paper to my nose and asked me what I thought of it. I was aware of how close you were. I realised that I was staring into your eyes that held a universe in them, so I took a sniff that was much too aggressive. It made you laugh, and I heard you mumble _cute_ under your breath.

Now I'm not one to wear perfumes normally, but this one smelled pleasant and citrusy. I wish I could remember what the scent was called, but oh well.

"I think it smells nice. Why? Do you like it?"

"Ah, no. I had a feeling you would like it. I thought it smelled..." you took a pause to hum, "I thought it smelled very you, if that made sense?"

I didn't really know what to say to that, but I didn't need to. You smiled as you took my hand and dropped the piece of paper onto my palm.

"You should get it next time! It really suits you." The smile on your face was a better salesperson than the lady at the store, I'll be honest.

And so I put the paper in my pocket, making a mental note to get it the next time I visited the mall.

But I never did, I always forget to buy it. Even when I really wanted to purchase it. I guess it was a good thing I kept forgetting.

If you try to sniff it now, the scent is no longer there. Just like my feelings for you, no, I think it was both our feelings, the scent didn't linger too long on the piece of paper. And maybe that's why we broke up, Lucas.

* * *

A few days after our first date together, I remember bumping into you at the coffee shop near campus. You looked so excited to see me again. I'm not gonna lie, so I'll admit that I was just as excited to see you again.

Sure, we texted a few times after the date, but seeing you in person was different. I guess it was a reminder that you were, in fact, Lucas Wong, not just some dude I decided to name Lucas Wong in my contacts.

"Mark!" you yelled as soon as you entered the coffee shop and noticed me in line. You came up to me and gave me a hug, abandoning Hendery and Dejun at the back of the queue.

"H-hi Lucas!" I was surprised at the show of affection in front of everyone on campus.

"Can I buy you coffee?" you asked.

"No, let me buy you coffee. It's the least I can do for you, Lucas." you tried to argue, but I shushed you. You gave in pretty quickly.

When I reached the cashier to order, I asked you what you wanted.

"A java chip frappe, pretty please and thank you so much, Mark."

I ordered and paid for our drinks. The coffee shop was nearly full, but you somehow managed to find a table for the four of us. At the time, I felt a little nervous, I haven't really met Hendery nor Dejun before. But they seemed cool at the party the other night, plus they were your friends, and to quote the iconic Spice Girls, I firmly believe that if you want to be one's lover, you gotta get with their friends. It never hurt anyone to make new friends, I thought to myself.

Before I got to the table you sat at, I noticed that you were focused on writing something on a piece of paper, but before I could get a peek at it, you immediately hid it away from me when you noticed I was approaching the table.

"Whatcha up to, Lucas?" I asked, sitting down.

"Oh, nothing. Just thinking about how cute you are, Mark Lee." you said with a wink.

I let out a guffaw. I always thought it was nice how you'd always call me Mark Lee, not just Mark. It was a silly little quirk you developed since the night we met at the party. I don't know why you did it, but it was something only you did and I thought it was really cute.

"It sure didn't seem that way to me 20 seconds ago, but I'll take your word for it, Lucas." The barista called out my name before you could say anything so I got up to go get our drinks. I left my things at our table, trusting you to look after my things and I noticed that you took out the paper again as soon as you thought I wouldn't notice. I was tempted to turn around to grab it, but I figured I'd let you keep that little secret of yours.

When I returned to the table with our drinks, you were no longer working on the piece of paper. You were just waiting for me.

I handed you your drink and you beamed at me like I was the last music stand in the room that was stable. It made me blush. You always looked at me that way, like I wrote all these sonatas and symphonies in the world for you. Like I made you hear _Romeo And Juliet, Fantasy Overture_ whenever I'm near, you know the part everyone knows and associates with love. It was too easy to call it love, but I heard the overture in my head too. Maybe I was already in love with you then, but who knows really?

We talked a little, mostly small talk, things like if I was done with classes for the day, _oh, that's nice, I still have one last class at 4_. A few minutes of idle chatter passed and Hendery and Dejun joined us at our table, waiting for their drinks.

Hendery scooted his chair closer to mine, and put his arm behind me, perhaps trying to intimidate me? Not sure

"So," he said.

"So?" I replied.

"Mark Lee, do you have any idea how much Lucas has been talking about you?"

Dejun mimicked Hendery's actions, scooting his chair closer as well. You laughed instead of doing anything about it.

"Lucas pretty much gave a TED talk about how wonderful and cute and lovely you were on your first date." Dejun explained.

"You know, I've been friends with Lucas for a while now, I've seen him date plenty of people. I don't think I've ever seen him _this_ whipped for someone." Hendery added. You stopped laughing and pulled both their chairs away from me, punching their arms in what I guess was supposed to be a soft hit, but they both winced in pain.

"Don't scare Mark like this guys. I really like him." you whispered, blush blooming on your cheeks now. God, you were so cute. I was so lucky to have you be romantically interested in me like that.

"Hmm? What was that you said? I couldn't quite hear the second part of your sentence, can you repeat it louder this time?" Hendery teased you, poking you in the arm as you squirmed in your seat. Dejun just looked at you and laughed.

"Maybe instead of teasing me, you should introduce yourself to Mark. I don't think he knows your names." you chided them.

Dejun offered me his hand.

"I'm Dejun! It's nice to see you again, Mark." Dejun gave me a friendly smile as I shook his hand. Dejun was the soft spoken one out of the three of you. I enjoyed his company. I'd always see him in the campus quad with his guitar, singing to himself. Sometimes I'd join him, but most of the time, I was late for class, haha.

"I'm Mark. I always see you in the quad with your guitar, do you sing?"

Dejun lit up at the mention of his guitar.

"I do! Do you play?"

"Yeah! My dad taught me how when I was younger. I'm not the best at it, but I can strum a few chords. We should jam together sometime!" I suggested, and Dejun's smile widens.

"That would be great, Mark."

Dejun's greeting was a huge contrast again Hendery's slap on my back.

"The name's Hendery! It's nice to meet you properly this time, Mark. No solo cup or ping pong balls in sight." he said with a wide grin on his face. You and Dejun laughed at his joke, but I was still wincing at how hard he slapped me on my back.

"It's nice to meet you as well, Hendery."

"I have one question for you, Mark. And this question will determine my opinion of you. Are you prepared to answer it?" Hendery said, eyebrows raised. He looked serious and I gulped.

"S-sure?"

Hendery laughed at my uncertainty.

"Don't worry about it too much, it's just an innocent little question." Hendery assured me, but I noticed that you and Dejun were leaning in closer, as if to hear me more clearly. It seemed like this is something Hendery does a lot, so you knew what he was going to ask and you two were anticipating the answer to the question.

"What's the question?"

"What are your thoughts about mint chocolate chip ice-cream?"

Not gonna lie, the question kinda caught me off-guard. You three seemed super interested in knowing my tastes in ice-cream. I was getting nervous, afraid of my answer being the wrong one that you would shun me out of the group.

"Um, I, uh, don't like it...?" I hesitated, unsure what answer was the correct one.

Immediately after I answered, you and Hendery started cheering while Dejun just groaned. I guess not liking it was a good thing. Dejun noticed my confusion and began to explain in between all the shouting you and Hendery were doing.

"They both think I'm crazy because I like it, so it became a thing whenever we meet someone new that we all befriend to ask them the same question. It's not a big deal, but they love it when they find people who don't like it."

"Oh, I'm sorry I don't like it, Dejun. A friend kinda ruined it for me when they said that it reminded them of toothpaste."

"But that's the thing, though. Like why is mint associated heavily with toothpaste, when mint has so many other uses prior to being used as a flavouring for toothpaste? People drink mint tea, people eat peppermint candy during Christmas and yet the only thing people remember being mint is toothpaste! Mint chocolate chip ice cream is the superior ice cream flavour and no matter how many people hate it, I will keep on loving it because it is good and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it." Dejun went on a bit of a ramble then, even though you and Hendery were still hooting about and attracting the attention of the customers in the shop.

When you two finally calmed down a little, I saw Dejun rolling his eyes, he seemed to know that you guys weren't quite done gloating about having yet another addition to the anti mint chocolate chip ice cream club.

"And once again, it's a win for us, Dejun." you said.

"I knew you were a good one, Mark." Hendery said, slapping me again on the back before turning to you, "Don't let go of this one, Lucas. He's a keeper and his dislike towards mint chocolate chip ice cream proves it."

"Why? Did the last person Lucas date love mint chocolate chip ice cream?"

"Yeah, and look at how their relationship went. They broke up! Obviously a love between a mint chocolate chip ice cream lover and hater cannot last." Hendery said with a shrug.

I turned to look at you and you did the same thing. Dejun seemed unamused.

"Mark, don't take these two idiots' opinions and theories too seriously. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, please save yourself from this insanity that is this friendship." Dejun pleaded and you and Hendery just erupt in laughter once again.

We dropped the subject of ice cream flavours in favour of discussing the next most important debate: pineapple on pizza, good or bad? The debate was an intense one, but I think it ended pretty amicably. Before we could start another food debate, you looked at the time and realised that you were going to be late for class. You waved goodbye and left me with Hendery and Dejun. They both turned to look at me, faces serious this time.

"You know, he really likes you." Dejun said.

"I've never seen him _this_ into someone." Hendery added.

I felt the heat return to my cheeks.

"I really like him too." I said, and they both exhaled a sigh of relief.

"Lucas is a good guy, We'd hate to see him get his heartbroken. Most people date him because he's Mr. Popular, so we were worried if that was going to be the case with you." Dejun explained with Hendery just nodding in confirmation.

"Take good care of him, Mark." Hendery said, offering me a smile before gathering his things, "I gotta go, but we should hang out soon."

"I'll bring my guitar next time!" Dejun quipped in before he too began getting up to leave. They both left me and my thoughts alone, their words ringing in my head making me feel giddy about the information they just gave me.

I really mean it when I said I'll miss them, Lucas. They made me feel so welcomed, even though we just met and I'm so grateful that they always tried to make sure that I was comfortable in whatever situation they put me in.

I got home a few hours later, and when I checked my bag, I noticed something that wasn't there before. I took it out and saw that it was a piece of paper folded into a heart shape. As I unfolded it, I noticed that the creases looked like they were folded and refolded again, like they were still learning how to fold it neatly. Or maybe they were just in a rush to fold it.

When I finally got to the final fold, words written in Korean revealed itself to me.

 _보고 싶어_ it said, the handwriting is messy and unsure. Plus, it looked like a few other letters in Hangeul were scratched out.

But despite that, warmth spread through my chest, thinking about how you thought of leaving me a message in my native language, a language you barely spoke, instead of just writing it out in English. It was sweet, Lucas. You were always good at being a boyfriend, even when we weren't exactly calling each other boyfriends. But you were so good at this relationship thing and I always felt like a child.

And Lucas, that's why we broke up.

* * *

After our meeting at the coffee shop, we spent a lot of our nights on the phone. I don’t know how we started it, but our nightly calls became a routine for us. We didn’t get to see each other a lot, despite going to the same campus. So we tried to make up for it by calling each other every night. God, we talked so much. I don’t remember what we talked about, but right now, just thinking about it, we just talked so much. I guess we were just smitten with each other. That happens at the start of a new relationship, I think? It’s always exciting getting to know the person you’re dating, even if it’s just silly little anecdotes, like how Dejun’s dog, Bella, pooped on his carpet that one time.

You just finished tell me the story of how Dejun’s dog almost broke Kun’s iPad because she tried biting it, and out of nowhere, you asked me if I would like to go on a picnic date with you the day after tomorrow. I said yes of course. We agreed on the details of the date and it was set. You sounded excited to ask Kun to pack up some good food for us.

And then two days later, there you were, eyes bright, smile wide, waving your hand so I could see you. I remember thinking oh god this is actually kind of embarrassing, but I still waved back, because I'm sure I had my own goofy grin on my face and I was just as excited as you are to spend time together.

I don't know how I didn't notice it, but you were holding a blanket and there was a basket in your non-waving arm. You gave me a half-hug and a kiss on my cheek as a greeting. I felt my face was blushing furiously, and I saw that you were blushing too. I thought it was cute. I always thought you were cute, Jesus, I was so in love with you. Anything you did, I thought it was cute, thought it was lovely. And you were. You always have been.

You took my hand in yours. I remember insisting to hold one of the things you were holding, but you refused to let me. You wanted to be the gentleman. What was I supposed to be then? But I couldn't find the words to argue with you, I was too enamoured by the idea of you wanting to spoil me. I remember thinking that as you laid down the blanket, setting down all the take-out food you got before we agreed to meet up.

By the time you were done setting up our picnic, I realised that I was just standing there, openly staring at you. I saw you smiling, all smug.

"Like what you see?" you asked me.

I felt my face heat up again, and you laughed. I miss hearing you laugh, Lucas. It really was music to my ears.

"Oh, Mark Lee. You are adorable, did you know that?" you said reaching out to pull me down so I would sit on the blanket. I was too embarrassed to have been caught staring at you so I couldn't really think of a comeback. It just made you laugh even more.

Whenever I think about the time we spent together, I always remember us laughing. I wonder if you think back on our time together. I think about it more often that I would want to admit. I miss the warmth of your hand in mine, I miss the feeling of your lips against mine, and I know I shouldn't miss it. I shouldn't miss you. You're not even thinking of me, I bet. I thought I saw you at the bus stop the other day and I was so surprised. _THE_ Lucas Wong, riding the public bus? That would be a rare sight. Rarer than obtaining the original handwritten sheet music of a famous classical piece. I don't know why, but I tried to go up to you to say hello and as I get closer to 'you', I realise that that wasn't you. And I thought I wanted the earth to swallow me up then, because of course I would be the one who sees you, I would be the one delusional enough to think that it was you waiting there at my usual bus stop.

Maybe I had secretly hoped that you were waiting for me, so you could ask me how I'm doing. Maybe I just want you back.

But that was a few weeks ago, I was in a different headspace. I've emerged through the fog of our break-up and now I can see things clearly again. I don't think I ever want to feel that way anymore. It was terrible, the fog was thick with emotions and I kept wanting to call you up on the phone. The fog was just me alternating between crying and checking up on what you're up to in your SNS posts.

I won't lie, it made me feel so shitty how easily it looked to me that you had moved on.

It felt like our relationship was just, I don't know, a cheap reed beginners use to learn to play the clarinet with. It's something so insignificant, that it didn't bother you at all to throw it away. It didn't bother you at all to throw _US_ away. God, that felt so shitty. Seeing you post pictures of you hanging out with Hendery and Dejun, day after day. On most days, Jaehyun had to rip my phone out of my hand and he always had great timing. Somehow he always manages to barge into my room just as my thumb hovers over the _send_ button. Once or twice it had been the call button. I don't know what would have happened to me if Jaehyun wasn't around. I can't imagine the embarrassment I would feel if I had sent you all the messages I had written out for you. It was pathetic.

I ~~love~~ loved you, Lucas, I really ~~do~~ did.

Anyway.

One of the things I've put in the box is a flower. It's dried and crumbly now. Actually, I don't think it'll survive this car ride, not with how much the other items are weighing it down. I'll check.

So far it looks fine, but I think I'll hold onto this as I finish writing this long-ass letter for you.

You were basking in the sunlight, I remember being grateful for the lovely weather. I remember being more grateful to be able to spend time with you. I was always grateful to spend time with you.

You caught me staring at you again, and the smug smile returned.

"S-stop that." I said, reaching out to pull out a few blades of grass to throw at you, like it would make you stop. It floated in the air instead of hitting (hitting here is of course used loosely) and a gush of wind sent it back flying towards my face instead. It made you laugh.

"That's karma for you, Mark Lee." you said after shuffling closer to me, and picking the grass out of my hair.

"I don't think the grass looks good on you. It doesn't really compliment your beautiful eyes." you said. I laughed in response.

"Okay, well what do you think would help make my eyes pop?" I asked. You shrugged and began to look around our picnic spot, searching for something to put in my hair.

You saw a delicate little flower. Its petals were yellow. You were smiling as you plucked it out of the ground.

You tucked my hair behind my ears and placed the flower there.

"I don't know if it's making your eyes pop, but it's definitely making you look even cuter. Your level of cuteness is off the charts. I actually think it's illegal, Mark Lee." you joked.

I didn’t know what to say, but I’m sure I had the dumbest look on my face. You had your hand on my shoulder. And that made me even more nervous. I felt my face burn even more as I realised that your face was really close to mine.

I held my breath as I realised that your eyes just flickered to my lips for a split-second. _Were you thinking of kissing me?_ Was what I thought, but before I could think of a way to respond to that, I felt your lips against mine. I don’t know why I gasped, especially when I could tell you wanted to kiss me, but I did and I think it made you laugh. You knew I knew what you wanted to do.

Now, I’m no casanova or anything, really, but I’ve had my fair share of first kisses. I kissed Yerim Kim when we were freshmen in high school, and I kissed Daniel Kang as well during senior year. They were nice kissers, I guess, as far as I could tell. But those experiences pale in contrast with our first kiss. I’m sure you’ve kissed plenty of people, between the two of us, you were the casanova, not me, so I don’t know what it felt like for you, but to me it felt like coming home.

It felt like I was supposed to be kissing you.

Like we were meant to be, somehow.

Now I don’t believe in the whole past life thing, rebirth and all that, but maybe if I did, I would say that it felt like we’ve kissed before, like we’ve been kissing each other our whole lives. And the thought of that comforted me. Like I had found the one.

We’ve shared many kisses after our first, but time has proven that it wasn't good enough to make the relationship last, Lucas Wong.

* * *

One of the strangest things in the box would be a small pebble. You must be thinking where the hell did I pick up this tiny rock? It's from our picnic, the flower was not the only thing I kept from that date.

I remember us holding hands, after we finished eating. You were brushing your thumb over my knuckles, as we talked about this and that. The rings you were wearing felt cold against my skin. You had this look in your eyes, I know because I've seen it directed at you so many times. I was surprised to see how it was directed at me, from you of all people.

Yes you were my boyfriend of a few months then, but it was just a wild idea that you held the same love I had for you in your eyes. Even now, I can barely wrap my head around the idea that you ~~love~~ loved me. But you did, I don't doubt that, not when you looked at me like I put the stars in the sky and I was the very reason for your existence.

You let go of my hand to put your palms up. I was confused for a bit, not understanding what you were trying to do. You gave me a little laugh and grabbed my hand to put against yours.

"Your hands are so tiny, Mark Lee," you said, marveling at how small they were compared to yours. The way you reacted made me laugh, it's not like this is the first time we've ever held hands, so I didn’t understand why it was such a revelation to you to see how small hands were.

"Maybe my hand is normal sized and you just have yaoi hands, Lucas. Did you ever think of that?" was what I said and you barked out a loud laugh.

"Yaoi hands?"

" _Yes_ , yaoi hands. Your hands are as big as my face probably." you laughed even harder and placed your palm against my face. And I was right, your hand was as big as my face. It made both laugh, but you still had your hand on my face, even as you were shaking with laughter.

It was only after a few minutes, when our laughter died down, that you took your hand off my face. You only did so to cradle my face in your hand. You had that stupid look on your face again and this time I was sure I had the same look on my face too. I guess we were just idiots in love. And we knew it, too. More than that, we were more than happy to be idiots in love, even though we both haven't dared to admit it to ourselves yet what more, admit to each other. Your hand felt so warm on my face. I don't think I've ever felt more at home than when we're together. When I was with you, things felt right, things made _sense_ , as clichéd as that sounds.

I really wish we could've lasted longer than this, Lucas, I really do.

But oblivious to our inevitable break-up, we kept giving each other _the look_ , we kept giving each other kisses, we kept going on dates, blissfully unaware of the day that we'll break up. Of course, this picnic happened very early in our relationship, so there was no way we could've thought that we would break up one day. It's always strange thinking back about how you felt then. Because I know how I felt then, I felt irrevocably and absolutely in love with you, but my love has changed since then, and I know so have you. I know for sure you've changed. And even if you think you still love me or whatever, I'm sure even that has changed.

But what hasn't changed and will not change is what happened in the past.

We shared a few more kisses in between exchanged stories about the people we knew. I talked about the time when I was in charge of my conductor's baton during a competition overseas and I forgot to bring it on the flight but I didn't realise it until we were about to perform. You talked about how when you were a freshman, someone in your dorms had brought in their pet snake without telling the RA and then he lost it. You found it, or rather it found you when you were in the showers. You talked about your games, telling me about the strange things your teammates have done and I responded by telling you stories about the trombonists sometimes purposely hitting me when they're behind me.

As I was in the middle of a story about Jungwoo forgetting to bring his flute to a concert, a frisbee landed with a soft thud next to you, effectively startling us both. The owner was standing pretty far from us with their dog running around, trying to chase its tail. You got up to throw the frisbee back to the owner and when you moved back to sit down, you tripped over this very pebble I am holding in my hand. You landed on me, one of the plates we had on the blanket was flipped over. Oh well, at least we were almost done with that one.

"Well, Mark Lee. It seems that I have fallen for you." was the first thing you said after you stopped laughing. That pick up line made us both burst out in laughter. When we stopped to catch our breath, you got up and tried to dust off any food that got on you when you ever so gracefully landed on me. I had noticed you were kicking something at your feet, so I got up to see what that was about. Lo and behold, it was this pebble. I held it up to show it to you.

"Ah, so this was the culprit. I guess cupid doesn't always shoot arrows, sometimes he makes you trip over a tiny pebble." you said.

I chuckled in response.

"Maybe this accident is a sign that we've been here for too long and that we should probably pack up and go somewhere else."

You pretended to be hurt, hand clutching your chest as if you've been shot.

"You mean you don't want to keep spending time kissing me under this big beautiful tree? Wow." your voice trailed off a little at the end, "Is this what heartbreak feels like? This is so painful, especially when I've just openly admitted that I've fallen for you, Mark Lee."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Lucas. I would love to keep kissing you under the shade, but I just don't want you to get hurt, not anymore than you already are. Come on, let's go." I said, trying to get you to move so that I can begin clearing up our picnic. But before you got up, you winced in pain, groaning a little as you tried moving your leg.

"Are you hurt, Lucas?"

"I think I might have sprained my ankle, all from tripping over a tiny pebble, how hilarious is that, Mark Lee?"

Perhaps this should have served as a foreshadowing about our relationship. I know this is probably just me being ridiculous but how apt was it that you joked about falling for me right before realising you were hurt?

"Oh no, do you think you can walk?"

You flinched in pain again as you tried to get up.

"Mark Lee, you have to carry me." you said with a pout. I honestly could not tell if you were joking or not because well, I am far from capable of carrying you around. I was significantly smaller than you, you were a giant. If we were plants in a field, I would be a dandelion and you would be a fucking tree. There's no way I would have been able to carry you anywhere without getting myself hurt in the process as well.

"Lucas, are you crazy? I can't do that, you're huge!"

You gasped in horror.

"Mark Lee, are you calling me fat?"

"What?! No? I'm just saying that I am too weak to be able to carry you around, I'm not even sure if I can support your weight!"

"So you're saying the power of liking someone a lot doesn't make you stronger? Well, I guess I was lied to." you dramatically slumped back to the ground, blocking me from clearing the last of our picnic together.

"Wow, I can't believe I'm dating a Drama Queen." I mumbled under my breath. You must've heard it because you suddenly started laughing again.

"Please help me, Mark Lee," you tried asking again, this time making your pout bigger and even gave me the puppy dog eyes. I sighed.

"I guess there's no harm in trying. I mean I would need to anyway, I can't just leave you here to die all alone."

Your eyes lit up and crinkled into a big smile.

"Can you try giving me a piggyback ride?"

"Do you want me to get hurt? Like I can try, but I'm pretty sure we'll both just end up falling and I would probably strain something as well and then we'll both be stuck here."

"Well, if that happens, at least I'll have good company.”

* * *

It's funny thinking about the last time we ever get to do something with someone. The last time we'd hold hands, the last time we'd give each other a knowing smile, the last time we would hug. ~~If I knew we'd have a limited time together, I would've~~

I think about the last kiss we shared. I always think about the last time we kissed. I think about the feeling of your lips against mine.

The next thing in the box isn't exactly something you gave to me, it's actually something we shared. I think it was winter, maybe some time around Christmas, you were complaining about how dry your lips were.

"Maaaaaark," you whined, draping yourself over me. We were hanging out at my apartment, Jaehyun was out with his friends so it was just the two of us. I was lying down on the couch and was slowly being crushed by the weight of your body. You're taller than me, but you somehow managed to curl yourself up on me to rest your head on my chest. I was praying that you couldn't hear how fast my heart was beating, you looked so adorable with the pout on your lips, your eyes staring straight into mine. I could barely handle it. By then I think we were a few months into our relationship, I had gotten used to how clingy you were, you would always try to have me in your arms. But I never got used to how you radiate love each time you wrapped your arms around me, or each time you rested your chin on my shoulder, leaving soft little kisses on the top of my head. No matter how many times you did it, I always find myself caught off-guard when you nuzzle your face into my cheek, your breath tickling my neck.

I ruffled your hair and you laughed.

"What is it? What do you want?"

"My lips are so dry." you said, grabbing my hands and letting them touch your lips so I would know how dry your lips were. And god, they were so dry, Lucas. Just by swiping my thumb gently over your lips, I could feel a bit of the skin there flake off.

"Do you not drink water or something?" I said as I tried to wiggle out of your arms, hoping you'd take the hint to get off me so I can do something about your chapped lips. You understood and rolled off the couch and landed on the floor with a soft thump. If someone else had done that, I would've been concerned, but you've done that so many times during your dramatics, it just makes me chuckle.

"I do drink water, but I guess it's not enough." you said, voice muffled because you were lying face down on my apartment floor. I got up and sighed. I walked to my room, pausing at my door to see if you would get up to follow me. I held the door open and I heard the coffee table be pushed away from the couch, most likely as a result of you trying to get up.

You flopped onto my bed immediately after you entered my room. I rummaged through one of my bags that I carry my sheet music in to find a lip balm tin. I turned around to see you posing in what I guess you thought was a sexy pose.

"Draw me like one of your French girls, Mark," you said, wiggling your eyebrows and I burst into laughter. I laughed so hard, I fell to my knees and you started laughing too. When I think back to all the times I've heard you laugh, I miss it. I really do. There's just something so infectious about your laughter, how it makes my heart flutter from how handsome you look as you throw your head back in utter happiness. I miss how you made me smile even when you just so much as look at me, you always had that effect on me, Lucas. Now when I think of you, it only makes me sad.

Once I composed myself, I tossed the lip balm tin to you in hopes that you would catch it, but very much like the night we met, I missed by a mile and the tin landed on the floor. We both started laughing again, tears pricking at our eyes. Do you ever think about how great we were together? I don't know what it felt like to you, especially not after what happened, but I always thought we were meant to be, as cheesy as that sounds.

I stopped laughing enough to try and grab the tin again to hand it to you. The mattress shifted under my weight and you rolled over closer to where I was.

"What's that?" you asked, reaching for the tin and inspecting it.

"It's lip balm. This one is my favourite, maybe it'll help with your dry lips." your mouth shaped an 'o' and you twist open the tin.

"Can you apply it for me, please?" you put your best puppy dog eyes on and a pout.

"Hmmm, why should I?" I tried to fake indifference, pretending like I was immune to your dirty trick.

"Because you know it won't be fun to kiss me when my lips are this chapped and I know you wanna kiss me, Mark Lee." you said as you gave me your winning smile, like you knew you hit the nail on the head with that one. I pushed your face away and groaned. I didn't want you to see the blush on my cheeks.

"God, if I had known the co-captain of the basketball team was this needy, I would've reconsidered going on that first date with you."

"And miss out on having _THE_ Lucas Wong as your boyfriend? Don't you think you'd regret turning down the one chance to have me as your boyfriend?"

I laughed again.

"What makes you think I like having you as my boyfriend, hmm?" I countered.

"Let's see..." you paused for dramatic effect, and placed your finger on your chin, pretending to be deep in thought about all the reasons that make you a great boyfriend, "To start off, I'm hot and you know you can't deny that."

I collapsed onto the bed, groaning into my pillow, already regretting the decision to let you boast about what makes you a great boyfriend.

"I'm sweet, and I'm fun and interesting to talk to. I'm a great kisser." you paused again, to pucker your lips and make kissing sounds. I just burrowed myself deeper into my pillow. I got up when I felt your hand grab mine, guiding it to your shirt.

"And come on, Mark Lee. Feel this shirt I'm wearing? Don't you think it's made out of the Best Boyfriend Material?"

I let out the biggest scoff known to mankind, and it just made you smile. I thought you were done but before I could say anything, you kept going.

"And I care about you, I care about you a lot. Did you know that?"

Well, that one caught me off guard. I went back to being a blushing mess and I tried avoiding your eyes. I felt your hand caressing my face, gently trying to coax me into looking at you.

"You know that I care about you right?" your voice is soft, eyes pleading. You were demanding an answer to your question.

"I know." was all I could think of saying, and your face split into a big smile. You pulled me closer so you could kiss me.

Before the kiss could escalate into a make out session, I pulled away.

"You were right, it isn't nice kissing you with your chapped lips like this."

You laughed in response and I took the tin from your hand. I twisted it open and swirled my finger in it, the lip balm accumulating on the tips of my finger. You pucker your lips once again and I laughed. I applied the lip balm on your lips with gentle swiping motions. After I finished, I realised how intimate that was, even you were blushing and you rarely blushed. You pulled me into another kiss as a thank you for the lip balm.

This kiss was different, I could taste the artificial cherry flavour on your lips. Maybe it was just because it was your lips, but it tasted even better than I remembered. Speaking of lip balm scents, did I ever tell you about my friend who joked about eating lip balm? You would've gotten along with Jeno had you two met. But we didn't last long enough for him to come hang out with us.

"You know what, Mark Lee?" you said after breaking away from the kiss.

"What?"

"I love you."

Another one that caught me off guard. I was speechless. My heart was beating so fast, I was afraid it would explode out of my chest. I've been feeling the same way for a while at the time and I thought I would be the one who said it first, but you beat me to the punch. I couldn't believe all it took for you to say those words were my cherry lip balm. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, in hopes that it would slow down my heart beat, and it helped a little.

When I opened my eyes again, you were visibly worried, eyebrows pinched together, mouth formed a frown, wrinkles on your forehead.

I tried to speak, but no words would come out, so I figured the best way to stop you from worrying was to kiss you again. I heard you let out a surprised noise before you smiled into the kiss.

We made out for a while, and when finally stopped, I could form sentences again.

"I love you too."

I didn't know what it was about the cherry lip balm that made you want to confess your love to me, but I put it in the box so you can have all the 'i love you's back. I don't want it anymore, I can't even use the lip balm anymore without thinking about that day, without seeing your eyes full of love and affection for me.

You ruined the lip balm for me, Lucas. And that's why we broke up.

* * *

The next thing in the saga of our relationship is yet again another piece of trash that I held onto. You could probably just dump this whole box after you take a look inside. It's all just garbage anyway.

I was at orchestra rehearsals, we were just about to start working on Mozart's Flute Concerto in D Major, K. 314. It was for the annual recital we do at the end of the year. I was excited for this one, it had a flute solo and I decided to try out for the solo this time. The piece isn't part of my repertoire, but I really wanted to see if I could play well enough to get the solo. Plus, you said you'd come see me play during one of our recitals, and I figured what better way to impress you by being the soloist for our final recital of the year. You really motivated me to do better. With you, I always felt like I had to improve myself. After all, I still thought you were out of my league, even when we've been dating for quite some time now at this point in time.

When our section leaders were handing out our sheet music, I glanced through it and looked at the solo parts to see if it was doable for my skill and talent. I didn't think it was too hard, so I was excited to start practicing it in my own time so that I could perfect it. I rummaged through my bag, to look for my pencil so I could mark any important changes in dynamics or key signatures. Instead of my pencil, my fingers grazed over something that was round, smooth and it made a sound. I was confused, because I don't remember putting anything else in my bag before I left for rehearsals that day.

I reached in to hold the mysterious object in my hand. Lo and behold, it was a gummy candy. My heart was flooded with warmth, because I know the only culprit of this cute little gesture was you. You must've noticed the bag I was rifling through as I was searching for my lip balm and wanted to leave me a surprise. Jungwoo must've seen me admiring the candy.

"Ooh! Candy!" Jungwoo puts his chin on my shoulder and pouts, begging with his eyes, "Can I have it, Mark, please?" he asked politely, hand ready to receive and consume the gummy. I shook my head.

"Normally, I would give it to you, but this one is special," I explained.

"Is that why you've been smiling at it like a love-struck fool for the past, I don't know, 5 minutes? Why is it so special?"

I felt a blush creeping over my cheeks. Surprisingly, even though we've been dating for a while then, not a lot of people knew we were together. I thought by the end of our date, people would already be buzzing about your new beau. That has always been the case with you, as far as I know at least. But I guess it would be hard for people to find out about us since we were rarely seen together on campus.

"My, uh, boyfriend left it in my bag as a surprise." I admitted to Jungwoo, looking down to avoid having to make eye contact with him. Jungwoo makes a surprised noise in response.

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend?"

"Haha, yeah, I do."

I'll admit, it felt strange referring to you as my boyfriend like that. It was the good kind of strange. _Lucas Wong is my boyfriend_ I thought to myself. My boyfriend is Lucas Wong, I said in my head again. But this time I must've whispered it, because Jungwoo grabbed me by the shoulders.

"You're dating Lucas Wong?!?!"

"H-how did you know? Can you read my mind, Jungwoo?" I managed to squeak out and Jungwoo barks out the loudest laugh that makes the whole room turn to look at us. Jungwoo and I both mumbled a sorry to everyone, and the room went back to the sounds of different instruments warming up to start the rehearsal.

"You were whispering it, dummy."

I have never felt so mortified before in my life. Luckily, I was able to avoid looking Jungwoo in the eye by distracting myself with warm-ups.

"We should probably start warming up soon, Woo. Rehearsals might start any minute now, we can't be gossiping right now." I said, as I began to assemble my flute.

Jungwoo rolled his eyes and gestured at his all ready to go flute he was holding in his hand.

"I've been ready for a while now, heck I already did my warm-ups while you were busy being lovey dovey and staring at that gummy candy."

Jungwoo's statement almost made me drop my flute. I finished putting my flute together and I chucked the gummy back into my bag, thinking about making it my reward for finishing today's rehearsals.

Rehearsals went on as usual, the only difference was that Jungwoo occasionally catch me zoning out and he'd say something like "Ooh~ is Mark distracted by the thoughts of his pretty boyfriend?" which made my face heat up so badly that our conductor noticed and asked me if I was sick and needed to go home to rest.

While waiting for everyone to pack up all their instruments, I reached into my bag again for the candy. I held it in my hands, turning it over again and again, fingertips grazing over the jagged edges. I know it must sound silly to you how much I appreciated the gesture, but it really did mean a lot to me. You even chose a watermelon flavoured candy. The thought of you at a 7-Eleven store, looking at the candy section, perusing over which one you should buy for me. It hit me that you probably bought a whole packet of it and I wondered if you were going to continue sneaking these sweets in my bag each time you come to visit me. I made a mental note to check all my bags to see if you had hidden any more in them.

And you did. Sometimes I'd find a gummy in the pocket of my coat, other times I'd find them in one of my sneakers. It felt like our little thing, you leaving me these candies in the most unexpected places. It always made me smile. I didn't keep each and everyone of the wrappers, sometimes Jaehyun would find them and complain about me littering, so I kept the first one. I guess it's important to remember all the firsts in a relationship.

But towards the end of our relationship, I noticed that I no longer found these little surprises anywhere. You finally ran out of gummies to hide in my things, Lucas, and that's why we broke up.

* * *

_Oh_. I almost forgot.

While we're on the subject of my rehearsals, do you remember that one time I went to hang out at your place right after one?

That was the day I met Kun. But more on that in a bit.

Did I happen to leave my copy of the Flute Concerto sheet music at your place? I can't seem to find it anywhere and Jungwoo's been getting pretty sore about me forgetting all the dynamics and key signature changes because he doesn't mark them on his copy. I really need it back. I'm more than certain that it's at your place. When you find it, please post it to me, or pass it to a mutual friend or something. I don't think I want to see your face right now.

Anyway.

I met Kun that day. He's really nice, he reminds me of Jaehyun a little. Kun seemed like the perfect roommate: he cooked and cleaned and on top of that, he put up with your ass too. Anyone would be lucky to have Kun as a friend, even more so if Kun were their boyfriend.

When I entered your apartment, you were just chilling on your couch, shirtless with the sheen on sweat still on you, Kun was speaking in rapid fire Mandarin, probably nagging at you to go shower and put on a shirt. It made the both of us laugh. Kun was surprised to hear another voice in the living room and he poked his head out from the kitchen.

"Oh! I didn't realise we had a guest, is this the famous Mark Lee I've been hearing all about these days? Aren't you gonna introduce us to each other?" Kun was holding a wooden spoon in his hand, it seemed like he was busy cooking something in the kitchen.

I walked up to him and offered him a hand.

"I'm Mark! It's nice to finally put a face to this name that Lucas speaks so highly of all the time."

Kun laughed as he shook my hand.

You announced that you were going to shower as we both get acquainted.

"Do you need any help, Kun?" I offered, seeing him stir something in a pot and then look over to a pile of vegetables on a cutting board.

Kun turned around and looked at me like I was some sort of saint.

"Are you really dating Yukhei? I can't believe Yukhei would date an angel like you. Wait, no... I can't believe _you_ would date Yukhei."

Kun's sincerity made me laugh. I think I'll miss Kun as well, tell him I said hi and that I miss his dumplings.

"Yukhei?" I asked, I don't think I've heard anyone call you that before. People just referred to you as Lucas.

"Oh! I forget sometimes that he goes by his English name here. Yukhei's his Chinese name." Kun explained.

"I see. Well, I take it that Lucas never helps around in the kitchen?"

"It's not that he doesn't help... He's usually home late, so I'm always the one who does all the cooking. He helps clean up sometimes, but it's refreshing to have someone in the kitchen with me today whom I didn't need to nag at to shower after practice and/or go put on a shirt."

"Well, I'm happy to help, but be warned though. I'm not that great a cook. I've been publicly roasted by Gordon Ramsey on twitter because one of my friends tweeted him a picture of this scrambled egg I made one time." I said as I picked up the knife, awaiting instructions from Kun.

Kun chuckles at my story.

"Well, everyone has to start somewhere, and if you're here often, then you might end up being a decent cook. And you can start by chopping up some of the carrots into sticks, if you can."

"I'll do my best!" I saluted Kun and began cutting up the carrots. Kun had put on some music to listen to while we prepared the ingredients. As I was cutting up the carrots, I noticed that he was playing Tchaikovsky's ballet. Kun danced a little too, it was cute.

"You like classical music too?" I asked, I timed my chopping to match the beat of the piece that was playing right now.

"I do! I remember Yukhei mentioning that you play the flute for the school's orchestra!"

"Yeah, I play the flute. Do you play any instruments?"

"I learnt the piano as a child, but I wasn't a prodigy or anything. I can carry a tune or two."

"We should totally play together sometime!" I didn't have any pianist friends, so I was excited to have met Kun. I thought it'd be fun to play a duet with him.

"I'd love to, Mark."

But we never did get to play together, what a shame. Oh well.

We continued on with the cooking, discussing the piece that was playing, talking about our favourite composers and favourite pieces. My first attempt at cutting up the carrots made Kun laugh, there were different sizes and some were longer than others. It was kind of embarrassing, but Kun didn't make fun of it or anything. In fact, he praised me for doing such a good job.

"What are you making?"

"Well in the pot is just some chicken soup and the vegetables you're cutting up will be used to make spring rolls. You're staying for dinner, right? It'd be a shame if you didn't, you did help after all. Yukhei rarely helps and he gets to eat it, hell sometimes he even finishes it, so it's only fair if you stay for dinner." Kun said, speaking louder than usual, as he was washing the rice before cooking it.

"Mark's staying for dinner?" you asked, voice startling me a little.

"Of course, he is! He's helping us with dinner, unlike _someone I know_. Come here, Mark" Kun said, gesturing to the chair next to him at the dinner table, "I'll teach you how to roll up these springs."

"I help! I help by eating all the food and not wasting it. And I also help with cleaning up some times!" you said, hand clutching your chest like Kun's comment hurt you physically. I chuckled at your dramatics.

"Key word right there, Yukhei, is _sometimes_." Kun replied, eyes rolling hard, head shaking in disappointment.

I thought it was very sweet how you two got along. Kun really was your family, and I was glad to be welcomed so warmly by the two of you. It was almost like I was part of the family too. But before I had the chance to say anything, my phone rang. The screen told me Jungwoo was calling.

After I answered the call, all I heard was Jungwoo panicking.

“Mark, I need you to get here right now.” Jungwoo said.

“Right now?”

“Yes. I’m on campus still, and I’m in front of our practice room.” was what he said before hanging up.

You and Kun looked concerned, and so was I. It’s not often that Jungwoo calls me like that, so I was beginning to worry. I got up to leave the kitchen and started picking up my things as I walked to the front door. I swung open the door and turned around to say "I really have to go right now, I’m so sorry. But it was really nice meeting you, Kun!"

I guess that was when my sheet music fell out. I don't know for sure, I don't remember seeing it on the floor of your apartment or anything.

I don’t think I ever told you what happened that night, and I’m sorry. Jungwoo had left his flute in our practice room and I had the keys to it. I don’t know why he didn’t just say so, but I’m so sorry for just leaving like that without any explanation. If I had known, I would’ve stayed for dinner. But instead, I had food delivered instead. Maybe it wasn't as good as Kun's cooking, but it was good enough for me anyway.

That night was also the first and last night we didn't talk to each other on the phone before going to sleep.

I texted you to apologise for leaving in such a hurry. But the fact that you left me on read showed how upset you were with me. And that, Lucas, is why we broke up.

* * *

Out of all the things in this box, only one is a living thing. It's the succulent you gave me. You even put it in a tiny little watermelon pot. I don’t remember what the name of the species is but I appreciated the fact that you would buy the little guy for me. He was low maintenance so it was very unlikely that it would die in my care. And boy, did i take care of it, Lucas. It was something you gave me and I thought it was very thoughtful that you did. But all I can think about when I look at it is you and I would rather not.

So I’m giving it back to you, so you can take care of it, or maybe get rid of it. Whatever it is that you want to do really. I don’t care about it anymore. I wish I could say the same about you, but that would be a lie. I always find myself thinking about you. I think about how big and safe your hands felt in mine. I think about the love and affection that radiates from you every time you look at me. I think about the kisses we'd share on your couch. I thought about how we would look at each other from across the room and burst out laughing for no good reason other than the fact that we just looked at each other. I wonder if you are okay, if this break up broke more than our relationship. Did it break you like it broke me? Did it make you cry as much as I did? Did you wish we had more time to spend together to do more things?

Because I do.

I cried so much, Lucas, and for the longest time, I went to bed just praying that we'd have more time together. But alas my prayers have not been answered, we're still broken up and I was the one left crying and heartbroken, not you. I wish you would feel the pain I felt too Lucas. I don’t even know if you do feel the same pain. We experience pain so differently, you'd get sad about the same things. I would get sad too, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we feel the same amount of sadness.

Do you ever think about that? About how we all interpret pain differently? So I've often spent hours in bed, staring at my ceiling, feeling the pain that I felt and wondering if you felt the same. Why would you, when this relationship clearly meant more to me than it did to you. I heard from Jaehyun that you went out with someone just the other day. Is that true? I don’t even know why I'm asking when I don't even expect you to care about this letter. Even if you did read this, there's no way you would be able to respond to me anyway. I have you blocked on anything I can.

And I know for a fact that you did. You went out with someone just last weekend. At least you had a mourning period where you didn’t date anyone. If you didn't, then it would've hurt more than it already did.

Did the date go well? I can't imagine someone not being charmed by you, especially not on the first date. You were the perfect date, you always have been the perfect date. Ever the perfect gentleman when we started dating. Are you like that with everyone, or was I special?

All these questions, I will never get the answer to.

Anyway.

I put the succulent in this box, perhaps you can give it to your new partner, I'm sure they'd love it as much as I do. Okay maybe not, I don't know anyone who loves watermelon as much as I do so I'm sure that no one would love this succulent in a watermelon pot as much as I do. Because I love it dearly, and I wish I could keep it, but like most things in this box, I am giving it back to you so I can let go of our relationship together.

So I can finally stop looking at something in my room, on my nightstand, on my desk and be reminded of you.

Who knew I had so many things in my room that reminded me of you, Lucas. That was unlucky for me.

I wonder if there are things in your room that remind you of me. I wonder if things had gone a different way, would we still be together? Would we still be at your place, both eyeing the last dumpling, and praying that the other won't notice that we were eyeing it too. And then when we both realised we wanted the last dumpling, we'd give it to the other, insisting that the other have it and it would keep going and going until Kun got sick of us being a gross couple and took the last dumpling for himself.

I wonder if you’ll look at this box and miss me even more. Because I look at all the things in this box and it makes me miss you. Or perhaps it's not you that I miss. Maybe I just miss being loved by someone. Being loved by you. That sounds so silly, but it felt nice knowing that you loved me. But I think I'd feel the same way for anyone who loved me. With you it was different. It felt like I've never been loved by anyone before. I've dated a few people, of course my list isn’t as long as yours but still. I've felt love before, this isn't my first time at the rodeo, but you made me feel like it was my first time. How ridiculous is that? How is it that you managed to make something so old feel so new to me? I can't believe you.

You were too good for me, you're still too good for me.

I know you don’t like it when I say that, because you insist that people can change for the better, that if you think you're not good enough for someone you can always improve yourself to be good enough for them. There's always room for improvement. You said that love is wanting to always improve yourself to be a better person for them because you're convinced that they deserve the best and you would always try to be the best for them.

I wonder if we tried hard enough for each other? I'm sorry if I never did a good job at being your boyfriend. I know that you want and need affection from me and I don’t always give it. I'm so sorry if I never gave you what you wanted. but I hope you know that you were the best boyfriend I've ever had, and I'm so thankful.

* * *

We're such different people, don't you think so? I'm an introvert, I would rather stay inside, maybe read a book or two. I would even prefer just practicing the flute, I know I can be better than I already am. But you, Lucas, you're an extrovert, you crave social interaction whereas I tend to avoid it, especially if it's unnecessary. but you crave it and you need it or else you, and I quote, would die from lack of people. Despite our differences, of course, we still had a lot in common, like for example, we both like Justin Bieber, Canada's treasure.

Interesting how I found out about that one, don’t you think? I remember wanting to see you after rehearsals, but you weren't home and Kun was. I tried helping him in the kitchen, he was preparing dinner for the both of you. He asked me to stay for dinner, since I oh so graciously helped with the prep. But of course, the word help is used loosely here, I barely did anything except for the easy jobs, like peeling the potatoes and chopping up the onions. Kun made some of that wonderful soup again and served it with rice and mapo tofu. Cooking with Kun, or well me trying to desperately help him with it was a lot of fun, the pieces he put on were fun to listen to as well. I'll miss jamming to Tchaikovksy and Debussy. I wish I could cook with Kun again, although he probably doesn’t share the same sentiment, seeing as I make him all stressed out whenever I try helping him with something.

I remember you were home late that evening, something about the coach thinking you guys were slacking and not in the best form for the upcoming match. You had to do more drills. but then it started raining, it started raining really hard. When I left my place, the sun was still out and was bright and warm, but it turned dark and gloomy, much like the days I spent after we broke up. Was it hard for you too, our break up? I must admit, I still think about the words we said. I still think about how glassy your eyes looked, how your lips trembled when you realised what was happening. I can still see the way your hands shake, I can still feel your fingers around my wrist, the way your grip was trying to tell me to reconsider what I was doing, trying to tell me to keep trying with you. and maybe I should have, but this is how we ended up, Lucas. We broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry, I got distracted thinking about our break up. I was supposed to be talking about our mutual love for Justin Bieber. It started raining, and I started feeling cold. It was summer, I think, so I didn’t think it would be that cold, but alas I was wrong and shivering. Kun told me to borrow one of your hoodies.

"Just go in Lucas' room, I'm sure he wouldn’t mind, you practically live there anyway with how often you visit us and hang out there. He has plenty of hoodies, so you can borrow one from his closet." Kun said not looking away from the pot he was stirring.

So I left Kun in the kitchen for a while to raid your closet. And yes Kun was right, at the frequency I was visiting you in your apartment, I might as well have just lived there. We talked about moving in together that one time, do you remember? I ended up falling asleep in your bed after dinner and in the morning you said you loved waking up next to me. You said I looked so peaceful while I was asleep and that made you feel peaceful too. I even considered bringing over my toothbrush and other toiletries after that night, but I never did, because I kept forgetting to. I forget a lot of things, don’t I?

I entered your room and saw your bed was unmade, I think you mentioned oversleeping that morning so you were late for your 9 am lecture. I chuckled as I remember the flurry of texts full of typos from you while I was in my composition lecture. Thank god Prof. Kwon didn’t notice me checking my phone, otherwise I would've been in big trouble. I'm a firm believer in making your bed in the morning so that you can come home to something that isn’t messy, so I made your bed for you. I don’t think you ever thanked me for it, but that's alright. I didn’t thank you for every single thing you've done for me either.

The sheer amount of hoodies you had was insane, Lucas. I've only seen you wear one hoodie the whole time we were together, and the only reason you stopped was because I borrowed it for an extended period of time from you.

Okay, I stole it from you. I found the Justin Bieber Purpose Tour hoodie hanging off the chair at your desk. When I held it in my hands, it felt so soft, like it was made to be stolen by me, and it smelled like you too. And for the longest time, that smell was home for me. It was comforting and it reminded me that I was loved. And what a wonderful feeling it is to feel loved. What a goddamn lovely thing to feel loved. Do you ever think about that, Lucas? What a wonderful thing love is? I think it's the most powerful thing in the goddamn world and you want to know why? Because unlike a lot of things, love has the power to change your world.

Have you ever thought about how people tell each other all the time “I can't imagine what my life would be like without you”? Because I do, and it's crazy, don’t you think? Love isn’t even a tangible thing, it's just something you feel and love can be different for each person and yet, there's this mutual feeling that people think and agree on that _hey without this person, I wouldn’t know what to do?_ And if you really think about it, it's such a wild notion, like you've probably spent a lot of your time alive without this person, you know that if you had to live without them, you could, and yet you still cannot imagine how life can go on without this person that you love. This love that you have for them has altered and changed your world so much, that you cannot imagine what life would be without them.

While we were dating, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like without you. I couldn’t imagine how I would live without taking the bus to town to visit you, and you know you're the only reason I would ever go out to town, other than school of course. People say that love makes you do crazy questionable things, and I used to scoff at it. I'd never been in love before, at least I didn't think so. But with you, all these cliches and sayings made sense.

I refused to admit it, but yeah looking back at it now, it was pretty clear that I was in love with you. I was so unbelievably in love with you, Lucas.

Did you know that? Right now, I could write a thousand words on how much I ~~love~~ loved you. I could write you a thousand symphonies, dedicate several operas to you, but nothing could ever come close to perfectly describing how I feel about you. I really thought we would make it Lucas, like out of all the people I've dated so far, I really saw a future with you. I don’t know what you're planning to do after graduating, but I would’ve followed you, anywhere you went. I know being a musician is potentially difficult and the pay can be bad or whatever hence the many many jokes about musicians being burger flippers, but _ugh_ I would’ve tried so hard for you. I would’ve practiced all day every day if it meant I could be a successful soloist. I even would’ve tried seriously composing pieces to make money.

But we didn’t make it, Lucas. and it breaks my heart every time I think about it. It was supposed to be just you and me. Us against the world. But I guess we both had different wants and needs. I'm sorry I never tried to understand where you were coming from.

I really wish we could've lasted longer than this, Lucas.

* * *

I'm sorry if the latter part of this letter will be hard to read, I don't have any other pen to use in Jaehyun's car. I've been writing this letter for a while now, and there are still many things in this box to tell you about. But this pen is running out of ink, I have to stop soon, I suppose. There are so many reasons why I kept all of the things in the box, but I guess it's up to you to figure out why it was significant to me and our relationship.

One of the last things that will be thrown into this box will be the pen I am using to write this letter with. You'll remember this one, it was a recent purchase and you bought it for such a silly reason.

I remember I was at the quad with Dejun, guitars in hands. We were singing Ed Sheeran, I think. We were taking a break when you made your presence known.

"Maaaaaaaaark!" you yelled from across the quad. I almost dropped my guitar at the sound of your voice calling out my name like that. Everyone turned around to look at you and then at _me_. To say I was a tiny bit mortified is an understatement.

You ran towards me and Dejun, looking more excited than I've ever seen you.

"Lucas? What's up?" Dejun and I chimed in together, laughing when we realised that we said the same thing.

"I have something to show you, Mark Lee!" you announced.

"What is i-" I froze mid-sentence because you were taking off your shirt. Literally the whole quad gasped out loud and I even heard a few people wolf-whistle at the sight of your chiseled body. If I was a tiny bit mortified a few seconds ago, now I am absolutely mortified.

"Mark! Look!" you said.

All I could think of doing then was to cover my eyes and scream, "OH MY GOD, LUCAS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

I felt your hands try to pry my hands away from my eyes.

"LOOK!"

I heard Dejun chuckle beside me.

"DEJUN, IT'S NOT FUNNY? LUCAS TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF FOR NO REASON? AND IN PUBLIC TOO?"

"Mark, please. Just look!" you said again, this time you were pleading me to look and I could pretty much hear the puppy dog eyes from the tone of your voice. I'm so ashamed to admit that I was not immune to your puppy dog eyes. So I uncovered my eyes, not knowing what to expect.

The first thing I saw was you pointing at the left side of your ribs, so I followed your finger and saw a tattoo of a lion.

"Is that a tattoo?" I asked, my hands automatically reaching out to run my fingers over it. "None of my friends have a tattoo, so this is the first time I've seen one in the flesh, or rather on the flesh, haha."

"Yeah! It's a lion, because of that one time you said people say you remind them of a lion cub?" you explained.

"Um, I don't think I said a lion cub, Lucas."

There was a flash of panic in your eyes.

"What do you mean? I remember you saying lion cub!" you said, putting your shirt back on and it felt like I could finally breathe again.

"Lucas, I said a baby cheetah."

"Well, now I feel stupid." you fell to your knees with a pout.

"Nooooo, don't!" I said as I pulled you into a hug, "It looks really cool! I'm honestly flattered that you thought of getting something so permanent on your body as a reminder of me. I love it."

You tucked your head under my chin, resting your head on my chest. I thanked god that my heart was beating at a normal rate again. I'm sure you would've laughed if it was beating crazy fast. I heard Dejun gag beside me and I'm pretty sure he mumbled "Get a room!" under his breath. I mouthed a sorry to him before I dropped a kiss on the top of your head.

"Why'd you get a tattoo of what some people might consider would be my fursona, Lucas?" I cuddled you closer. You hummed in content in my arms, hands wrapping around my waist. I loved holding you in my arms, it always felt like home. But now when I think about the weight of your head on my chest, the smell of your shampoo, how soft your hair always feels when I run my fingers through it. Your hair always smelled like citrus, which I thought was very you. The scent bright and sunny, just like you always were.

"I wanted something to remind me of you."

"And you thought a tattoo of an animal that kinda looks like me would be a good idea?"

"Yeah. I mean you like it and that's good enough for me" you said, squeezing me tightly.

I heard Dejun groan again.

"You two are disgusting."

"You're just jealous you don't have what Mark and I have."

"I don't know, man. Getting a tattoo of someone's fursona is kinda cringy. You think so too right, Mark?" Dejun nudged me a little to answer his question.

"I think it's sweet. The idea of it being a permanent thing on Lucas' body is nice."

"But what if you two break up?" I felt your arms around me tighten, I ruffle your hair to comfort you.

"Well, at least Lucas got the wrong animal, so it wouldn't be too bad for him to have it."

"And I could always have it removed if I wanted to. Not that I would ever plan to, I don't think I'll ever want to break up with Mark." you burrowed your face into my chest as I blushed at how sure you are of your statement. Of course, it aged like milk, now that I think back about it.

You lifted your head off my chest to look me in the eye. "You don't want to break up with me either, right?"

"I can't imagine a time when I would ever want that."

You smiled and it set fireworks off in my chest,

"See Dejun? Mark wants to be with me, even with the tattoo."

Dejun scoffed in response. He began gathering his things, telling us he had to be at a place where he wasn't around an obnoxious couple. You stuck your tongue at him and he did the same.

* * *

A few days later, I get a text from you asking me if I was free that weekend to go shopping. Of course I said I would.

We went to the mall together, and once again I forgot about the perfume. I really wanted to buy it because you said you liked it. But I guess now it's good that I didn't, otherwise it would be something to include in this box as well.

A few days after you revealed your tattoo to me, you invited me over to hang out at your place. It's not like it was a surprise or anything, you always wanted me around, and well I'll be honest, the feeling ~~is~~ was mutual. I liked your company as well. But this time the invite came with a surprise.

"Here!" you said when you opened the door to greet me, your arm stretched out towards me with what looked like a paper bag in your palm.

"What is it?" I took it without thinking, peering into the bag to see what was inside it.

"It's a novelty pen! There's a lion head on the clicker." and it was one of the cutest pens I've ever seen in my life. On the top of the pen was a chibi lion head. Its eyes were big and the pupils were heart shaped. I have no idea where you would have found this pen.

"It's cute, Lucas. But why are you giving it to me?"

"I've seen how you look at my tattoo when you think I don't notice." you started wiggling your eyebrows at me while you were saying this, "I know you like looking at it, Mark Lee." you continued on to tease me.

"Huh?" I raised my eyebrow at him, "Who ever said I liked looking at it? I only see it because you refuse to put a shirt on when we're hanging out at your place afterbasketball practice."

"Ah, you pretend that you only see it, but I know you purposely look at it. Don't think I don't know there's a difference between looking and seeing, my darling Mark Lee." You began to flex at this point and it was making me cackle.

"You're such a show-off."

I picked up a pillow and threw it at your face, but you caught it instead, because of course you would, Mr. Athlete.

"Mmm, maybe so, but I know that's what you love about me." now you were making kissy faces at me and it made me laugh even more.

"Hey, Jaehyun-hyung. It's Mark, I know you just dropped me off at Lucas' place, but can you come back and pick me up? I got inside his apartment and instead of Lucas, all I found was a clown." I said, pretending to be on the phone with Jaehyun. You jumped at me, pulling me close against your chest.

"You love a clown, so what does that make you? A furry clown?"

I burst into laughter.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. When did I ever say I love you, Lucas?"

"You just did~"

"Um, no, I didn't"

"Okay, well if you won't then I'll say it. I love you, Mark Lee."

This of course was not the first time we've said those three words to each other, but with each time we've said it, it just felt new to me. Like I've never heard it uttered from your lips before, and that's so ridiculous. Ever since the lip balm incident, we always tell each other that when we get off the phone. But it was different every time you said it, it gave me trills each time.

It felt new every time I said it too. Each time feels the very first time. But now when I think back to all the times we've said it, I just feel sad. It's just a memory now. Memories are so strange, don't you think?

You remember things differently, even though you experienced the same thing with another person. Like all the stories I am telling you right now, the reason why I kept all these tokens of our relationship, the story tacked onto each item, might have been different for you. Perhaps you don't think fondly of our first date, maybe you can only remember how late you were and how nervous you were about it.

We interpret things differently, we're different humans after all.

But I hope one thing that you won't misinterpret is the love that I ~~have~~ had for you. It was genuine. I really ~~do~~ did love you. You were important to me. For the longest time, I thought you were The One. I must seem so silly to you that I believe in that, in something like The One. There is no The One, there are just people you meet and fall in love with. Perhaps one of them you'll end up being together for the rest of your lives together, and perhaps you'll find one and part ways when the feelings were no longer there.

Lucas, did you know I cherished the pen a lot? I was so careful with it, afraid that the lion head would fall off and I only used it for special occasions. Like signing your birthday card and well, I guess writing this letter is a special occasion too. You would think it's the bad kind of special, but it's not. This letter is a good kind of special, it's my final goodbye to you. It's me letting you go _finally_ , after all that time crying over you, thinking I wasn't good enough for you, hating myself because I let this relationship happen. I am finally free from these feelings and I'm so glad to no longer be shackled by thoughts of us together anymore.

* * *

The next thing in this box was the receipt that came along with the pen you gave me. You didn't bother blocking out the price. I guess you meant to give it to me then. I didn't pay it any mind then, it just made me laugh how you left it in the bag. But today, I found the bag on my desk, in a pile with the rest of the remnants of our relationship, so I decided to give it another look, before I chuck it into this box.

But now, I'm holding it between my fingers, folding the edges and unfolding them. Only now I've just realised that there's something written on it. 我爱你 and I know I haven't told you about this, but I started taking Mandarin classes for you, since I know you were learning Korean, so I know what this means. And I wish I had seen it the first time, maybe things would be different then. I wouldn't be crying now, running my hand over the characters, feeling the indents of the pen left on the flimsy piece of paper. I know an extra little 'i love you' probably won't change the outcome of our relationship, but it's nice thinking that it could've changed everything.

I know I said earlier in this letter, I said that I am using this letter as a way to tell you the reasons why we break up, but I think I am finally ready to relive the day we broke up.

* * *

The last time we saw each other(on purpose at least, I'm sure I've seen you run the other direction when you see me near)was the day we broke up.

I was excited to see you, because I wanted to give you something. It's the last thing in this box that I'm gonna talk about.

I wish I could've given it to you then. What is it you ask?

It's an invitation to this year's annual recital. And it's the one I was given a solo.

It was last month, and for some reason I thought you were going to show up, but I remember seeing this invitation, no /your/ invitation pinned up on my corkboard, reminding me that you never got the invitation that was meant for you.

I was so nervous about my solo, my fingers were trembling as I pressed down the keys to make the correct notes, my lips quivered as I blew into the mouthpiece. But with each note I played, each beat that passed, I stupidly scanned the crowd, thinking I'd see you somewhere in the crowd to support me. The whole piece was played and I've looked at the crowd for so long that I memorised almost each and everyone face in the audience and it was clear to me that you were never going to show up. I was convinced of that as I played the last note. It rang in the quiet auditorium and when I took my final bow, all I could see was you not there in the audience. It helped that the applause I got was so loud that it made it hard for me to hear my thoughts.

That was the best performance I've ever done, the solo was even dedicated to you, but you never got to hear it, because I never told you about getting the solo in the first place.

And maybe, that's the real reason we broke up, Lucas.

I remember smiling when I spot you in the coffee shop, alone and looking kinda broody in the corner, the one with our favourite table by the fern that we both love. I waved at you and you waved back, a little timid and the smile you wore on your face was a nervous one. The look on your face made me anxious, like something terrible was about to happen. Despite the red flags I noticed, I had convinced myself that nothing awful was going to happen, after all I was going to invite you to the first ever recital where I play a solo.

When I got near our table, you got up to hug me, but I could tell that you weren't excited to see me that day. Even your hug felt heavy with the weight of whatever that was weighing you down that day. I wish I knew it was coming, but I didn't.

"I missed you, Lucas!" I said as I sat down on the chair opposite of you, hands reaching across the table to hold yours. I noticed that you even had my frappe ready for my consumption, even before I arrived. That was my favourite thing about you, how you always knew what I wanted, how you remembered the things I like. Not a lot of people care enough about me to notice my favourite things, but you always did. That's something about you that I'll miss a lot. Your attention to detail, your observant nature. I'll miss feeling cared about,

"We haven't been seeing each other a lot lately," you said, scratching the back of your head. You wiggled your hands out of my clasp. I was confused at first, but I didn't think anything of it then. After all, I was not the touchy-feely one in this relationship, that has always been you.

"I'm sorry, I've just been busy with rehearsals lately. Speaking of which, I have something for yo-"

"Do you have feelings for Jungwoo?" You cut me off before I could tell you about my solo and the recital. Your question caught me off guard.

"Huh? Jungwoo? No! We're just friends!" I explained.

"But you've been spending more time with him than you have with me. I barely get to see you anymore these days and you never pick up the phone when I call anymore. And every time I ask Dejun about your rehearsals, he'd always tell me you'd stay in the practice room even after rehearsals were over, and that you would almost always be with Jungwoo." you began rambling.

My chest felt tight then. Did you distrust me that much, that you would think I would ever cheat on you with Jungwoo?

"Lucas, I'm sorry-"

"So it's true then, you have been spending all that time with Jungwoo instead of me."

"Yes, but Lucas, please hear me out. I can explain."

"You know, I've always been the dumper, and I know exactly what 'I can explain' means. I always used it when I needed an excuse. But let's hear it then, Mark Lee, what's your explanation?

"Jungwoo was helping me with something. I promise you I don't have any feelings for him!"

"I've seen the way he looks at you, Mark. Even if you didn't like him, he likes you. He has feelings for you."

"But, Lucas, you forget that I have feelings for no one but you."

"I don't know if that's something I can believe right now."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, Mark. Maybe we should stop."

Your words broke my heart.

It felt as if someone had crashed a pair of cymbals right next to my ears. Your words rang clear in my ears, deafening me. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond to that, but you obviously didn't trust me to be alone with anyone. I know that I wasn't being a good boyfriend then, I forgot about our nightly calls because I'd get home so tired from rehearsals and extra practice with just Jungwoo who was helping me with my solo

"Yeah, you're right. We should. We should stop this." I said, I felt my heart shatter into pieces.

"You know I mean we should stop arguing about this, right? I don't mean anything else." you voice wavered a little, a telltale sign that you were panicking. Your hands were shaking as you tried to reach out to mine. Even as you were holding my hands, I felt it trembling. I was shaking too, but I was just confused as to what we were supposed to do. I was confused about what you mean.

"Stop arguing? It didn't feel like it was an argument, you were blaming me for not wanting to spend time with you. I did want to spend time with you, I just couldn't!"

"Yeah because you were too busy with Jungwoo at rehearsals doing whatever the fuck it is that you were pretending to do."

"I'm telling you. I was practicing for the recital! I promise you nothing happened between the two of us. Lucas, it's you that I love."

"Are you sure? You sounded so sure of yourself when you asked for us to break up."

"Lucas, you wanted to stop. Is it my fault that I assumed you mean we should break up when you said we should stop? How was I supposed to know you meant you wanted to take a break from this conversation? You just said we should stop."

"And the first thing you thought we should stop this relationship? That's the first thing you thought I was suggesting?”

You should’ve seen the look on your face, I wasn’t sure if I was seeing anger or sadness.

“Mark, are you being serious? Out of all the things you could've thought of, breaking up is the one you chose? Why would you think I would want to break up with you, Mark? I love you."

"I don't know, Lucas! You were complaining about how we don't spend time together anymore, you literally just blamed me for cheating on you, with Jungwoo of all people!"

"Have you not seen how Jungwoo looks at you, Mark? Do you not realise that people actually like you? People actually have a crush on you?"

"That's rich, coming from you Mr. Campus Heartthrob." I scoffed, getting annoyed with how you were acting.

"What do you mean?"

"What else do you think it means? People love you. How do you think I feel like seeing everyone falling over at your feet, all the goddamn time, Lucas?"

"You think me fickle? Is that it? You think I'd fall in love with anyone who tells me they love me? Is that it?"

"N-no? It's just- it's hard for me too, you know? I'm dating you, do you not think I get doubts about our relationship a lot? You could literally have anyone in the world you wanted, but for some reason, you chose me. To this day, I'm still confused why?” I said, voice unsteady, tears ready to fall.

I took a deep breath before continuing again, “It doesn't make any sense. I'm still confused as to why you asked me out that night when you did. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that you said you had a crush on me for the longest time. How do you expect me to believe that, when I could barely believe that you knew I existed?"

"Mark, please. I love you, I really do. There's no one else for me but you."

"But right now it doesn't feel that way, especially not with the way you were accusing me of cheating! You don't do that to someone you love, Lucas. It makes them feel not loved."

"I'm sorry, I just- I just miss you, and I knew you were spending so much time with Jungwoo…”

You looked so heartbroken, Lucas. It’s breaking my heart even now. You realised that you made a mistake, and that you’ve hurt me. There was a desperation in your eyes, I couldn’t bear to look at you

“And I just thought- I just thought that if you could spend so much time with him but not me, I just thought it meant that- it meant that you don't want to spend time with me and that just translated to you not wanting to be with me anymore, Mark." you started tearing up.

I didn't know what to do, what to say anymore.

"I can't tell if you're just oblivious to how many people are attracted to you or if you just don't care about them. Mark, you think I'm the one who attracts all the boys to the yard with my milkshakes or whatever, but you're exactly the same."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Of course you would! But I know, I've seen Jungwoo look at you the same way you looked at me. I've seen the looks so many times on other people directed to me. And I saw the same thing directed to you. And I was afraid that I wasn't going to be good enough for you, Mark Lee."

That's the first time you said my full name throughout this whole conversation, Lucas. And I know that meant something. But I wasn't sure what it meant yet.

"You were scared you wouldn't be good enough for me? You? Lucas, do you know how out of my league you are? Do you not know how much you're settling for when you chose me? Out of anyone you could've had on campus?"

"I don't know, Mark. I never get the musical references you make, I can't appreciate all the classical music you play. I don't understand the rush you get every time you nail a whole piece without fucking up the tempo or fucking up a note because you didn't notice whatever the fuck you call those hashtags on the sheet music."

"But we've made it this far, without you needing to understand any of the musical lingo I used."

We were running out of things to say. Your eyes shone with unshed tears, I felt so bad, Lucas. Because I really wanted to work this whole thing out. I really wanted us to be okay. I really wanted us to last. I really loved you.

We stopped arguing for a minute. I guess we both just needed a break from the conversation. I tried to organise my thoughts, they were all over the place. But before I could say anything else, you began speaking again.

"I think you're right."

"I'm right? About what?"

"I think- I think we should break up."

And I felt my heart shatter again. I could not believe that was what you wanted. And all I could think of then was how we were about to reach our ninth month anniversary. And I thought about how a lot of composers had experienced the Curse of the Ninth.

What is the Curse of the Ninth, you ask? There was this rumour of composers dying before or during the time they were writing their ninth symphony. But I guess it isn't only limited to symphonies and/or composers. It could also apply to relationships too. This was the death of our relationship, it's buried along with Mozart's 9th symphony and Bruckner's 9th Symphony. But unlike symphonies, this death will not produce a beautiful thing. Yeah, sure the symphonies are incomplete but the skeleton of it is already there. The idea of it is present, you can still play the unfinished piece and you can still hear the music and it's still something beautiful. It's just not complete.

But this relationship does not end up with something that's beautiful. But all the death of this relationship has done is taken all these memories I have of you, the taste of my cherry lip balm, the Justin Bieber Purpose hoodie, this lion pen I'm using and the gummy candy, every single thing in this box, it's taken them and evolved them into something different. It's taken all of those things and transformed them into something that hurts me. It's not better, not worse, but it just hurts now. I can't say that it's worse, because I still think fondly of our time together, as stupid as it seems. But now there's a new feeling that accompanies all the memories we made together. I don't know if people mourn the death of their relationship, but for the longest time, I mourned the death of our relationship.

Despite thinking you were settling for me because you were out of my league, I still thought that we were gonna last. But I guess it was my fault, for taking your words the wrong way.

I'm sorry that the break up was the conclusion I jumped to. I should've asked first instead of just assuming that a break up was what you really wanted. I'm sorry I was the reason why we broke up.

I just realised that I never got to apologise for doing that to you.

So I'm sorry.

I think that's my last parting gift for you.

~~Love~~

Mark Lee

**Author's Note:**

> to my darling, m: thank you so much for holding my hand throughout this whole fic. i know you've been busy, but it really means the world to me that you still helped me figure out this fic. i love you, truly and deeply, i hope you know that ♡
> 
> to t: thank you so much for your help! at first i was nervous having you read through my work, but your input has been invaluable ♡
> 
> to h: it meant a lot to me that you'd take the time to read this fic and even gave it such a big praise that i definitely do not deserve ♡
> 
> and finally to s: tgfs lmao thank you for reading this monster of a fic even though you barely knew these kpop boys (see: is mark lee a real person?), it really means a lot to me ♡


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